Good morning precious writing platform.
I awoke today with the usual pain in my body from this time of my cycle. But I also awoke with a feeling of magic. I imagined feeling pregnant, and embracing the surrender of this unconscious collaboration between universe and body. I notice in me this morning a palpable gestalt of pregnancy forming within, a preparation perhaps? I can taste the wonder of it all, and it feels very accessible to me. Perhaps the world is also alive with this feeling of procreation, collaboration, magic, wonder. This is a time alive in a transition. We are letting go of previous comforts, systems, safety protocols. I see this in how my phone, banking and insurance systems all had major blips yesterday. I am letting go of them, and them of me. Now is a time for reimagining. Birthing something…else.
I am in a liminal space. In this betwixt and between arena of possibilities and nothingness, I flit from project to peace, from purpose to purposelessness, from ovulation to menstruation in a dance I imagine I’ll be doing in some degree for the rest of this woman experience. But right now, I’m in a liminal space. I have no paid income, spend my days doing what feels right, and am searching for a new identity. I feel the call to motherhood, academia, nature, my ancestors and to helping all of humanity. No small tasks. But to hear the call and know how to answer? I try to surrender and be an empty vessel but this need for purpose is a confusing variable. It pulls me with an urgency, saying action is needed now now now, yet something is missing from the trigger. There are then two ways I can interpret this:
- I am held back by fear. Lacking the courage to stand up and state my opinion as this means standing out – a deeply set fear of being seen I have inherited from my ancestry.
- I am pushing into acting from ego. My drive for purpose is a clinging to a need to be seen so that I can feel I exist. I have had a sense that my life has significant meaning since I was young – a feeling of being watched and so I needed to perform as a saint to get into heaven. I have words of greatness echoing around my head, as if I am destined to be amazing, unique, jesus-like. I long to be special and cling to anything that would have me perceived as such.
- Oh, there’s a third one. This one comes from a different place than the other two. An urge that is simply called to do something because it is destiny. In that case, let’s re-write these:
- I am acting from ego. I am torn between needing to be seen, and fearing being seen. Inside there is an inner struggle between these two needs of my ego, and so I do not nothing and wait for something outside of me to decide how to act.
- I am acting from intuition. I feel the call, but am waiting for the right time and a clear way in which to answer.
I sense it’s all of this. I need to get out of my head.
LATER THAT DAY – HIGH TIDE
There are parts of myself I need to let go. Beliefs that are no longer true that hold me back. My masculine is damaged and it’s time to take him back.
I let go of:
- I need to be anything in order to be loved or to be living my fullest life.
- The belief that I cannot handle conflict and so I must stay small/out of relationship with others.
- Being responsible for other people’s emotions and stories.