The Gift of Being Unwell

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My energy tanks are depleted. I’m able to sit, but not walk for long. I’m able to read, but not conscious for long. My lower back is fleetingly throbbing and shifting its energy. It’s interesting to experience. It seems to move, this sensation I am calling pain, in a way I’ve not experienced before. Breathing out seems to exasperate its vocality and adjoining muscles rippling jolts at this spasmic expression. Stretches to this region both hurt and relieve, making it a tad confusing how to respond, as the one who chooses how to move. Yet I’m not choosing the results of the movements, so I’m not sure if choice is the right term.

In this state of unwellness, I am now surrendering fully to its wisdom. My body is far more advanced than my cognition, I’ve found. She brings me to a halt when there is guidance lurking in whispered dark corners of my consciousness, when I’ve been skipping around in the light fluffy parts. My ego has some pretty entrenched habits of clinging to tasks, neglecting my body’s needs and creating noise over the calm, gentle and tender expressions of spirit. I create a sense of ‘lostness’ when all this purpose-driven need gets taken away by unwellness, suggesting that my life is a ticking clock and I need to dash about frantically to get it all done before I die. As if the death part is inevitable at 1pm, and some kind of punishment will taint my soul if ‘such and such’ isn’t complete to full fruition by 12:59pm. Being unwell reminds me its not true…that to complete all my soul’s tasks will actually lead to this body’s death, and so why rush it? Why run to the finish line when there’s so much joy to be had and details to be cherished through mindfully walking there.

As for my quandary (I don’t use that word enough – it’s delicious to type and say) of whether to start being seen, I was called to jump deeper into Conversations with God, Book 4 (Walsch, 2017), and was gifted a quote. This was after reading about how we, as a species, are being supported to wake up by beings not from this earth and I felt a sea of tears release from my heart, asking for guidance. I am reminded again we are never alone, and regardless of the, what one may call ‘kooky’ or ‘irrational’, predictions of there being aliens giving telepathic prompts towards enlightenment, I felt better holding this image and getting the answers I was seeking so swiftly after expressing my heart. I do not need to force answers through thinking or writing…if I ask and let go, they come, and they feel right in that moment. Oh yes, the quote – in the words of God when referring to how one contributes to awakening the species (the quest I am on):

“A part of how you will all do this is by allowing your personal growth – and your struggles to achieve it – to be on display, to be modelled, publicly.” (Walsch, 2017, p. 66)

I had thought that writing a PhD was a way to do this, which it is in a way, but perhaps it isn’t the only way. I feel impatient – maybe that’s a label put on to a feeling I don’t understand in spiritual terms. Maybe I feel that life is ramping up right now for humanity, in terms of suffering and living in fear, and I want to help. It doesn’t feel like I can wait three years for that. A PhD right now sounds like it would remove me from it all, further keeping me stuck in my neuroses and disconnection template that stops me truly growing and evolving, and stopping me from gifting any knowledge that my bumbling journey has discovered through trial, error, experimentation and curiosity.

I’d like to be an open book, and I’m still not entirely sure why. I think perhaps these aren’t the times to think and figure it out, but to jump and do, knowing the insight will come later. If I knew why I did anything at all, then I’d be doing the thing with an expectation of the outcome, and there’s no magic in that. Only potential disappointment.

The book offered another gem, answering another quandary I’d had over whether publicly sharing one’s voice is egotistical:

“Let’s be clear. This is not about walking around declaring yourself to be the model of perfection and the example of evolutionary excellence. This is about simply not hiding your personal choices, but presenting yourself authentically to the world with regard to both your struggles and your progress as you seek to fully awaken.” (Walsch, 2017, p. 67)

After reading this chapter, I took a nap as my body was requesting, to allow this all to digest. What came in my half-slumbered liminal consciousness was the idea to upload ALL of my musings that had been written in regards to my PhD prep, to my business webpage. The one that is just sitting there, with title, logo and somewhat neatly packaged ideas of what ‘should’ attract the world to my door with gifts of money and so-called success. That had been halted/paused during a process of integration – marrying my belief system to a business model. And I feel now that this is the next step. Allowing the masculine ‘business face’ to die and letting the feminine expression and being in pure service as the foundation. Utter, total realness, rather than trying to sell you anything. I don’t need to be ‘Business Rachel’ and then ‘Real Rachel’: I’ve previously found that separation to be exhausting. I don’t need to be a pioneer, a leader, a guru, a teacher, a therapist even. I only can be authentic – writing because I want to – holding space for others because it feels right – taking time out because my body needs it – exploring what it is to be human through creative and expressive means because I don’t know any other way to be. No power to ego, no sales tactics, newsletters, special offers. Yuck yuck yuck.

As I’ve said before reader, I’m not writing this to you. I’m writing this to me – this is the process I need to make decisions, to hear my inner wisdom/guidance and to be authentic in the manifestation of the universe that I am. I’ve tried writing to you before, but it’s me trying to be something so that you feel something. There’s a knowing in me that says nothing in you will change from reading that. There’s still ego lurking here, I’m sure, but like the book has encouraged me to see – this is a process. And I can’t shed my ego and be a vessel by being cocooned in my body, I see that now. I need exposure to be vulnerable to find the real transition. I must meet that which I am not to shift the ‘stuckness’ and truly wake up. But mostly, I need to speak my truth, not what I imagine it should be based on someone else reading it, and the prediction of their judgements. And I share my truth, not to say it is the one truth or to bleach your own knowledge, but to spark something in you that says “yes I want to do that too” in whatever way is right for you.

References

Walsch, N. D. (2017). Conversations with God. A new and unexpected dialogue Book 4. Rainbow Ridge Books.

 

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